On Diane Court. (Or, things Cameron Crowe taught me about women.)

Ok, we've all seen Say Anything, right? Who hasn't? It's a great film. We get to see one Lloyd Dobler pursue the love of the beautiful and unobtainable Diane Court. We get to see Diane Court break poor Lloyd's heart. We get to see Lloyd hold a boombox over his head playing Peter Gabriel. We see her come back to him. We see them fly off into the sunset. Ah, love.

Here's the thing that has been getting to me about Say Anything lately. I used to see Diane Court as some sort of angel. She wears the white dress to the party. She's the smartest girl in school. She's sweet. She's cute. What's not to love about this Diane Court girl? She's the best. Well, I'll tell you something, folks. I'm just not buying it anymore. I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, this Diane Court character is a whore. I never noticed earlier in life, but it's clear as day if you just know what to look for. She shows her whorish ways throughout the film. Cameron Crowe drops hints left and right, but I guess I just didn't catch them because she and Lloyd are just so darn cute. Well, I now believe Diane Court is no less of a slut than a character from one of Crowe's later works, Almost Famous. That's right, I am saying Diane was putting it out there just as much as the notorious "Band aid", Penny Lane.

What's worse, Penny never tried to act like she was anything else. Diane Court is lying to us. She acts all innocent. She's even worried about being perceived as a "priss". In fact, she's far worse than Penny, and I aim to prove it. That's the goal here. To point out all the little hints that Crowe gives us about Diane Court's past. And to scream at Lloyd to wear a condom. The only way I know to do this is to watch the only evidence we have of said relationship. So here goes nothing, an in depth look at Say Anything and the whoring ways of Diane Court.

(Note: I would like to apologize in advance to James Court and Lloyd Dobler. Jim, I'm not attacking the way you raised your daughter. It's tough being a single dad. You did everything you could to give Diane every advantage in life. You were so busy stealing money from old ladies and hiding it from the IRS, how were you to know your daughter was out blowing college sophomores on dollar beer night? On top of that, your ex wife is clearly a cougar and I can't help but think part of that rubbed off on your daughter no matter how you hard you worked to lessen her influence on Diane. Jim, please don't shank me. Lloyd,you and Diane, if you're still together, have been together for twenty years now, so I'm sure you know all of this. Let me be the first to congratulate you on your ability to turn a ho into a housewife. You're a great guy and deserve everything you want. I just have a feeling that you're not with Diane anymore. She probably slept with her professors in England. Then she left you for some dude that actually made money instead of following his dreams as a kickboxer. Seriously, Lloyd? Kickboxing? Sport of the future? Anyway... Sorry.)

Alright, I got my beverage handy and the dvr is ready to play. Let's do this...

As anyone who's seen this movie before it starts with Lloyd discussing his plans to go out with Diane Court again. His friends, Corey and DC, tell him this is a bad idea. Diane Court is out of his league. He's only going to get hurt. Lloyd then proclaims, "I wanna get hurt!" Well, strap in Lloyd, cause it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Next we're introduced to Diane and James Court. They are on the way to graduation and Diane is running through her speech. It's at this point that we find out two very important things about the young Ms. Court. We find out she has a very, shall we say, "interesting" relationship with her father. I'm just saying, that's a little weird. Second, we learn that Diane was "taking a few courses at the university this year." Oh, really? I find that interesting. A 18 year old high school senior was taking classes at the university? I wonder what was going on with all that? More on that later.

"We're going to remember this student who said, 'Hey, world, check me out." Not really important. Speech bombs. Let's move forward.

The next interesting little tidbit we pick up is when Lloyd calls Diane the first time. Jim answers the phone and asks Lloyd if he's "the guy with the Mustang... the guy with the Datsun... um, the truck?" Jesus, how many dudes is this chick running through? It sounds like he's running a damn used car lot over there. Then he says, "Why I just get a phone number from you, that's usually how it works?" "Usually how it works." What the hell does that mean, Jim? What kind of numbers are we talking about here? Is it in the hundreds? I'm just saying. You should have known right then and there, Lloyd. Run!!!

I would make some crack about how she got that fellowship, but I'll leave it alone. I mean, I just heard her speech. She's not the best in the country. I'm just saying. I'm not going to judge her though. You gotta do what you gotta do. Anyway, that's not covered in the movie, so I'll let it go.

I'll give her credit. She calls back. That's very sweet. I'll also say that Lloyd can be quite a charmer. It's interesting to note she doesn't even remember eating with him. Lloyd fights through her initial jitters and gets her to commit to going out with a guy who just graduated from high school. Way to go, Lloyd. A+ work, my man.

So, Lloyd picks her up. We see the infamous white dress. Whoa, indeed Lloyd. It appears as though you may have bitten off a little more than you can chew to me. Jim Court is shocked by Lloyd's appearance. Lloyd is not the normal frat guy she goes out with and blows on the way home. Lloyd is actually a good guy. A good guy with no future, but a good guy none the less.

Nothing really telling happens at the party. Mike Cameron is one of the greatest characters ever in cinema. Joe is a jerk. Jeremy Piven shows the promise that will lead him to greatness later in life. Lloyd is a super nice guy. Which only makes it worse when Diane inevitably breaks his heart. Whore!!!!

"I've never really gone out with basic as you." That's what she says to Lloyd at the end of the date. Really? That's the best you could come up with? Go back to blowing college sophomores on Saturday night after the game. Keep your filthy hands of Lloyd!!!!

Apparently, Diane is a screamer...

Next we meet Diane's mother. She wants to talk about boys. That's all she wants. Granted, Diane tries to change the subject. That being said, Diane shares half this cougar's DNA. Keep that in mind.

Scenes of them hanging out... yada. yada. yada.

And here it comes... Back seat of Lloyd's car. It's happening. Give it to her, Lloyd!!! You can do it!!!!At this point you notice a couple things. Lloyd asks, "Are you comfortable?" Diane says, "Yes." Of course she is. She's been in a lot of backseats. She tries to calm him down. She's been through the drill. "Listen to this song. It's a really good song." She knows how to get what she wants. I am on to you, Diane Court. Where did you learn that move? The fraternity formal last Christmas? She bags Lloyd.

So, then Diane comes home. This time she tries to sneak in, and Jim is pissed. So, she tells him where she was. She slept with him. Now, it's important to notice the look on his face. He even ask, "Lloyd?" As though maybe it could have been someone else. Could there have been? Were there other dudes lurking around the house with boomboxes? Was it the guy with the Mustang? The Datsun? We don't know, but this is not the reaction of a man who's daughter is going through her first rodeo. This is the reaction of a man who's seen some shit. This is the reaction of a man who has maybe had to pay for an abortion or two. I'm just saying. The guy is not shocked. He's more pissed at who and not what. It's as though if she would say, "You know, Jack? The one with the truck? Well, I ran into him last night and we hooked up..." then everything would have been ok. She adds that she thought about not sleeping with him and then she "attacked him anyway." These are not the words of a woman who doesn't know what she's doing. She basically goes through the birds and the bees with her dad as though he doesn't know, cause she knows them very well. She knows them very well.

Lloyd has that I just got laid talk with the ladies. Enjoy it Lloyd. It's all down here from here. You're toast. It's over.

So, here it comes. Jim does not think Lloyd is good enough for her. He isn't like the frat guys she hates, but he has no future and she'll be working at an "international think tank".(Side note: Do people wish for this for their kids? He doesn't say she's going to be a doctor or a lawyer or a Senator. Working an international thing tank? Really, Jim.) He says to break up with him. Give him a pen. She says she'd never do that. We'll see.

They're driving around. Talking and more talking. Lloyd says he loves her. She says she doesn't want to go to this level. What the hell? (BTW, Lloyd keep your eyes on the road.) She's trying to break up with him. He hasn't realized... and...then... boom... he figures it out. She just broke up with him. She says, "We shared the most intimate thing two people can share." My only question is, how many times have you used that line? She tells him "I love you." I put quotes around it because she does air quotes when she says it. She gives him the pen... she gives him the pen.

She gave him the pen!!!!


Now, I ask you, what kind of person does something like this? Lloyd gave her his heart, she gave him a pen. What the hell is wrong with this person? What kind of demented things go on in their mind? What else do you want someone to do, Diane? Oh, they show her crying. Great. Like I care if she's crying. She just broke Lloyd's heart. She's dead to me.

Lloyd drives around the city remembering the places they did things. Anyone who has ever loved anyone knows this feeling. What is Diane doing? We don't know. Probably out at some frat party with some new dude. I'm just guessing. She's out with some dude with a fake tan and a popped collar. You know the type. She'll hook up with him and say it was a "mistake". That's what they do. Meanwhile, Lloyd is hanging out with Joe and gang at the Gas and Sip. "Bitches, man!!" says some kid that's there. Agreed. "Bitches, man."

"I draw the line at seven unreturned phone calls." he says. That seems reasonable. I mean here he is dying. The phone works both ways. His friends convince him to call her again. So, he calls again and leaves a very long and desperate sounding message. Pick up the damn phone, woman!!! She is made of stone. Lloyd is dying and she cannot answer the phone. Whore!!!!

This guy doesn't quit!!! I gotta give it to him. I mean on the scale of crazy crap to do to win back a woman, playing Peter Gabriel on a ghetto blaster outside her house at dawn has gotta be one of the nuttier things I've ever heard of. It's just this side of breaking and entering. People call the cops for less, but Lloyd just stands there and does it. What no one seems to talk about is, what you never hear about when people talk about that scene is she doesn't even acknowledge him. She doesn't even come to the window, much less go outside an talk to the poor guy. In the next scene she ask for the IRS guy to be decent and talk to her about her dad. Oh, that's rich coming from you. You got a guy who may very well kill himself at any moment and you can't even answer a damn phone or come to a window. Be a little decent, Diane.

And here she comes!!! She finds out her dad is a cheat and a liar and she comes crawling back. Don't take her back, Lloyd. You'll only encourage this type of behavior in the future. At least make her sweat it out a little. I know, it's easier said than done, but come on man. Don't just let her walk right back in. Ahh, it hopeless.

And that's it. He let's her back in. They go visit her dad in prison and they fly to England together. It works out. Or so they say. I used to believe that... when I was 17. Maybe, I should still believe that, but I don't. Women who do those types of things will do them again. She'll continue to walk all over Lloyd for the rest of their relationship. She'll never respect him. She may love him, but she'll never respect him. Good luck with that, Lloyd. Just don't say I, and the kid from the gas and sip, didn't warn you...

"Bitches, man."